


Maybe, Probably

by blahruto



Category: Naruto
Genre: (lowkey) - Freeform, Asexual Character, Demi Sasuke, Gay Character, Homoromantic Naruto, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sexuality Crisis, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 07:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11985186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blahruto/pseuds/blahruto
Summary: 'Sometimes he thought he just didn't like people, that maybe he was incapable, or something. But then there was Naruto, and all the insistent little nagging thoughts he had about him, and he didn't think that was true anymore--- at least, not entirely, and how ridiculous was that? How stupid was he? How could he turn into this desperate, scared, clingy person? How could he fall in love with the one person he couldn't stand losing?'Naruto and Sasuke are sent to a neighboring village to do some petty construction work, and Sasuke is maybe (probably) in love with him, and Naruto is maybe (probably) the most oblivious human being alive.





	Maybe, Probably

**Author's Note:**

> CONTENT WARNINGS: SERIES TYPICAL ABLEIST LANGUAGE, SELF-HATRED (INTERNALIZED), UNWILLINGNESS TO ADDRESS SEXUAL ORIENTATION, THEMES OF DISSOCIATION, REFERENCE TO NIGHTMARES --?
> 
> POV: Sasuke-centric omnipresent pov, but there are naruto-centric omnipresent bits too.

 

 

 MAYBE, PROBABLY

 

NaruSasu

 

 

 

It takes a while for things to get back to normal.

Normal being... relatively speaking. For a long time, most of the villages didn't have any money to commission with. Things were completely chaotic; most of the world was understandably thrown for a loop for a while. Whole systems ---systems that had been in place for entire lives were rebuilt and restructured within months. Entire governments were established anew. Manpower was dispersed erratically; every able person working their absolute hardest without rest. So when work was requested; it was usually an exchange of atypical goods-- consequential but immaterial favors. Resources, builders, various intellectual figures --anything that was needed to help restore the world to how it had been, if (hopefully) a little bit better.

And as the new Hokage, Kakashi was at the core for a lot of these decisions. Everything to be different, now, and it was his making. He was almost simultaneously incredibly serious and immeasurably amused; his nonchalance still a very convenient front to confuse his subordinates. Sometimes it all felt like a very strange dream to Sasuke. The longer it went on, the less he felt like any of it was real, the less he could remember everything that had gotten him to this point, the less any of it mattered that much. Him, back in Konoha. Kakashi, the Hokage. And Naruto....

Naruto was also different. He had  _grown up_. Sometimes looking at him was overwhelming. He was tall, with broad shoulders and tanned skin. In some quiet part of his head --- the part where he keeps thoughts he swears he doesn't have, he thought that he was more beautiful than ever. And he was respected-- adored, even. Sasuke was almost mesmerised by it, sometimes. Seeing the way he interacts with people now always seemed to throw him. He was at ease. Confident, casual. Nothing like the petulant, bratty kid who always went above and beyond for any small semblance of attention when they were younger. He was still just as passionate, garish, and loud-mouthed--- still as erratic and unpredictable. But he was mature, too. Like he'd found a place in the world he felt comfortable in and no longer felt the need to fight for one. 

Sasuke could remember wanting so _badly_ to be better than him, to move farther than he did. He remembers all those nights lost just trying to be better than him. His upbringing instilled harsh expectations in him that he knew his friend didn't meet. It was petty and embarrassing to think about now--- but even as fond as he grew of Naruto, the idea of being less than him in any way bothered him. 

But now... he's almost content with just being equals. They still had a bit of a competitive nature to their relationship, but it was almost... irrelevant. An inside joke.

They'd spent a lot of time together since the War ended. Mostly rebuilding things--- houses, and hospitals, and sanctuaries and the likes. Naruto had been kept included in most of the process of Konoha being structured and he'd kept Sasuke included, too. They'd spent so long together that, disorientingly enough, despite the fact he knew he had aged, and he knew Naruto had aged--- despite that he could feel the weight on his shoulders and the stress in his brow from the years he'd lived, it almost feels like he'd returned back to somewhere none of that had happened.

The work was tiring---and at times tedious, but there was something very satisfying about it. Creating things. Setting down roots, perhaps? Whatever it was. He had spent a long time pushing life away, but here he is.  He had nothing left to fight. No reason and (maybe more importantly) no desire to push any of it away. Part of him had no idea how to handle that, and part of him was already handling it.

But things were different. Naruto looked surprised every time he saw him even though they'd lived together for a year and a half now. The first few weeks he'd almost been in tears constantly, though he'd never really say why. He'd just start crying like he'd been keeping it in for years. His reactions to seeing Sasuke eventually mellowed out, but they never addressed them.

Most of his relationships were different, now. Kakashi was friendly, but understandably distant; he regarded him with curiosity and hesitance. Sakura, and for that matter--- the rest of those annoying girls that had harassed him in his youth seemed to avoid him the best they could, aside from a few brave outliers. Shikamaru was around Naruto's place -- and consequentially, around him ---more often than not, studying his future Hokage.

Most of it didn't matter. Most of it, he didn't notice too much. Oftentimes nowadays, he felt like he was in a completely different world far away from consequence. But he knew he wasn't. He'd been pardoned for saving the village--- the irony isn't lost on him --- though the decision was definitely reluctant. There was talk of throwing him out and banning him, or, more severely--- killing him, but inexplicably, Naruto and Kakashi, as well as a few others had fought for him--- most of whom outright stated it had less to do with trusting him and more to do with trusting Naruto.

_"You can stay, Sasuke. Or, and think very carefully about this---more carefully than you've ever done before---you can leave. Each choice has consequence. If you leave, you may never come back. You may never contact any of us again. If you ever appear back on our radar, you'll have to be dealt with. Or ---, he paused. You can live here. If you do this, you'll be accepted back into our ranks on a trial basis, and for the first five years, you'll live with Naruto. It's much easier for us this way to keep tabs on you."_

_"...Naruto's okay with this?" Sasuke asked. Kakashi seemed surprised for a moment, but he replied just as calmly as before._

_"He's the one who suggested it. You... Your choice to leave was very hard on him last time. I won't try to convince you of one or the other. I don't believe you to be the type of man to be guilt-tripped. However, I will say, I think it's obvious how it would impact him should you leave again."_

_"Why would I care?" His shoulders furled up defensively. He stood back a bit, eyeing Kakashi suspiciously, who laughed quietly, rolled his visible eye and waved a hand dismissively._

_"Come on now, Sasuke. I'm not the one to answer that, am I? I'm done explaining. Come back to me with a choice whenever and I'll give you your new ruleboo--,"_

_"There isn't any need. I've already decided."_

_"...And?"_

_"I'm going to stay." He huffed, trying to look anywhere but at his old sensei. He couldn't see it behind the mask, but he could tell Kakashi smiled._

And as a result, here they were. Naruto rarely left Sasuke's side--- even less than he very likely should. They spent so much time together they practically bordered on co-dependent; you didn't have one without the other. Sometimes it felt like Naruto was desperately making up for lost time; trying to make up for five years of distance in whatever time they had. They'd get distracted in the middle of conversations to look at eachother, and not always conversations with eachother. They'd neglect or outright discard responsibilities in favor of being together. They'd lose sleep, or forget to eat, or any number of things. Sasuke didn't mind it, though. It wouldn't last forever. Plus, he found that he felt less... unmanageable when he had him around. Eventually, he'd even gotten used to Shikamaru's discerning eyes, constantly studying the two of them to find out some hidden answers.

Sometimes it could be overwhelming to live in the present.

More than anything, Sasuke felt... nostalgic. He couldn't place it, exactly. Some part of him figured it was just residual sadness from the childhood he didn't really get to have. Walking on the dirt roads of Konoha beside Naruto, mostly listening; occasionally commenting as the blond filled the open air with empty noise. It almost felt  _normal_. Relatively speaking.

But then he'd remember that he doesn't _have_  a normal anymore. Not that he's really entitled to that, anyway.

Regardless, he'd become comfortable. Their house was spacious, and it even felt like home after a while. It had a hastily made pond full of fish Naruto had rescued from God-knows-where, and a rough but stable deck to sit on. Their kitchen was large and more often than not, Naruto would cook extravagant meals for him and any guests. Naruto had already started work on his garden -- it resided just outside the walls of Sasuke's bedroom; and if he listened close enough, sometimes he could hear him singing to his plants.

Sasuke would wake up from nightmares to find Naruto was already awake from his own, sitting by the window and gazing at the stars tiredly. He would usually talk about them, but other times he'd just hug him and sob into his shirt.

More out of cowardice than courtesy, he didn't really press when that happened.

As far as work went... He'd technically never become a chuunin, but the idea of going through the formality of climbing ranks that don't really matter anyway becomes more and more unappealing day by day-- but of course, he knew he'd do it anyway.  He highly doubted he'd be allowed into anbu at this point, but maybe when Naruto became Hokage they could swing something. He'd long ago given up the concept of being Hokage-- he was almost surprised Naruto hadn't.

He hadn't ever planned to get this far, so everything was up in the air. He was trying not to take anything too seriously, and for the most part that meant trying not to think. If he kept moving, if he kept himself busy enough, distracted enough, he wouldn't ruin this. If he could just live out his life that way he'd be fine.

"Sasu~kee!" Naruto exclaimed, throwing the door to his room open hastily and trotting in with a shit-eating grin on his face. "Guess what we just got?" He said in a sing-song voice, collapsing onto Sasuke's bed.

"What kind of mission is it?" He deadpanned, putting the book he'd been reading on the nightstand beside him. 

"Construction stuff," Naruto shrugged. "Should be pretty fun, though! Too bad it isn't in the sand village, though. You'd be able to catch up with Gaara! You remember him, right?"

"Vaguely." He shrugged, feigning nonchalance. He couldn't say he had the best -- or most extensive memories of him. The last time he saw Gaara was not... pleasant. Nor was any other time, for that matter. Naruto seemed to like him a lot--- he definitely admired him, at least, but Sasuke had no real opinion of him. He felt an odd prickling sensation in his stomach at the mention of the other man, so he changed the topic, "What is it they need to be built?"

"Ah, I haven't read that far..." He trailed off.

"Dobe." Sasuke suppressed a smile.  _Of course, he hadn't._

"Pfft! It'll still be super fun. When should we leave? I was thinking tomorrow, but..."

"That should be fine. Have I been cleared for this?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Duh, of course."

"Naruto..." Sasuke started to say, but then stopped himself. _Why mention that? It didn't matter._ He shook his head at himself. Naruto looked at him curiously waiting for him to continue, but he just... couldn't. "Nevermind."

"What? What is it? C'mon, you gotta tell me now!" He groaned, sitting up now. He shook Sasuke lightly, and the older boy shuddered lightly at the touch. Getting used to Naruto's touchy-feely nature again hadn't been as hard as he thought it would be, but it occasionally he still felt himself tensing. He just wasn't used to it, that's all.

"Does it bother you you rarely get to leave Konoha anymore without me?" He asked, turning his gaze towards the door Naruto had just come through. "I can't go on larger missions yet. If you wanted to, you wouldn't be able to..." He trailed off, brows furrowed. He earned this treatment; to have his freedom restricted, to be side-eyed wherever he went. Naruto didn't.

He wondered when he'd stop inconveniencing him.

"Huh? Why would it?" He tilts his head. Sasuke turns to look at him for a brief moment, but he instantly wishes he hadn't. A very serious expression had come over his friend's face suddenly--- almost pained. "I guess I never thought about it. It feels... natural, I guess. Maybe I just missed it a lot. I like being able to do this with you again, though." He leans over and smoothes out Sasuke's forehead. In spite of himself, he leans into the touch.

_His hands were very warm, that's all,_ he justified.

"Besides, there isn't much to think about, right? It isn't like there're any really cool missions nowadays! Plus, I bet in a year or two you'll be allowed to do whatever you want, so... Just bear with me through this part, y'know?"

Sasuke flushes and rears back a bit. If he had been expecting anything, that _certainly_ wasn't it.

_He's worried about what I want to be doing,_  Sasuke realized.  _He's a complete idiot._

* * *

The two boys woke early in the morning. Sasuke, having not been able to sleep longer than a couple hours before the nightmares started, had already been up and packed most of the supplies for the mission before the blond stumbled his way out of his bedroom, yawning and rubbing his eyes, almost completely nude. Or at least, definitely  _too_  nude.

"Did you even sleep?" He asked, lazily doing some stretches to wake himself up. His lack of clothing didn't seem to bother him at all, though Sasuke very quickly poured all of his focus into the objects he was packing to distract himself. He gave a shrug in response, and Naruto sauntered over, leaning on the counter where the bag was being packed and yawning again.

"Did you do it all already?"

"Most of it. Basic weaponry in case of emergencies, some first aid supplies... Sunscreen, tents. Do you think we're being supplied somewhere to stay while we're there?"

"I don't think so. It's kind of in the middle of nowhere right now. It's kind of difficult terrain to build on, I guess. We'll make do with just one tent, I think, though. I'm not sure what the weather will be like..."

"We'll figure the rest out when we're there, I suppose." He sighs, and then as an afterthought adds, "...Go get dressed, then, dobe."

* * *

They leave before most of Konoha is awake; just as dawn hit. As per usual, they went by foot; the two of them liked the ambience as they ran through and past entire towns, occasionally stopping to rest or appreciate the scenery. It was calming. Sasuke was not a person who was usually calm, but he could definitely appreciate moments like this.

"Hey, Sasuke. Can I ask you somethin'?" Naruto asked. It was around noon, and they'd been going without stop for a few hours now and Sasuke was already regretting getting so little sleep. He could feel the haze coming over him almost as soon as they'd left, though he'd sooner pass out on the sidewalk than admit it to Naruto. Maybe it was juvenile. He still didn't like looking foolish in front of the blond. Sasuke paused his step a bit, allowing Naruto (who, despite being a great deal more athletic, still had a slight speed disadvantage) to catch up with him. He grinned widely as he saddled up beside him, nudging him playfully as they stepped in sync.

"Do you like, you know, like anyone?"

"I don't understand." Sasuke stopped walking for a split second, his heart roaring panic in his chest. "Where is this coming from?"

The thing is--- when Naruto asks him that, Sasuke is suddenly twelve again, and he's looking at a boy-- or, a version of a boy-- who he hasn't hurt yet. And then they're back in Konoha, and back before the war; before Orochimaru; back before any of it, and Naruto is asking about girls again, and Sasuke is dodging every question, and he isn't sure why but they make him so anxious.  _What do you mean you don't like any girls? How are you gonna revive your clan then, dummy? All of these girls like you, though, right? How come you don't care?_

And when he's looking at this version of Naruto, he aches. He aches for everything he missed. He aches from the very core of himself, for himself, for every version of himself and the mistakes they've made. He aches for Naruto.

Naruto hasn't said anything, yet, and Sasuke tries desperately to regain his composure, sputtering a bit as he insists, "Of course not, Idiot. Who would I like?"

Naruto slows his step. He pauses, eyebrows furrowed as if really considering it, and then when he did finally speak, all he said was "I guess I never really thought about that."

"Exactly." Sasuke rolled his eyes, and for the first time, he wanted to be anywhere but  _here_  with  _him_.

_What do you mean you don't like any girls? What do you mean?_

"I mean, I guess I don't even know what kind of girl you even like?" Naruto was walking beside him again. It came out as a question, though he isn't sure that's how it was intended. "I mean, you never really cared about that stuff when we were kids." The ' _and then you left, so I guess I don't know about that time, either.'_  was implied. Naruto didn't say it and Sasuke didn't offer it, but it still hung there in the silence.

"I don't know." He gritted. He really wanted to talk about anything else. He had enough shit to deal with. This was just...  _petty_. It was nonsense. Unimportant. Who cares about this kind of thing?

"Heh, nothin' really changes, huh teme?" He said, and he gave Sasuke this lopsided smile and then the conversation was over. Sasuke feels ridiculous. He feels just like he did when he was twelve. He feels like his whole life is a plot. Like he's the only one who doesn't understand this thing that everyone else is so obsessed with. He feels completely absorbed with his own shortcomings and he feels more frustrated than he could describe.

This conversation didn't  _matter_  to Naruto. At the end of the day, he was just curious. It didn't impact him. It didn't affect his life. He didn't care. He could shrug this off and not think twice about it because he had the luxury to do so. Sasuke couldn't talk about this--- couldn't even think about this kind of thing without becoming nauseous.

Because Sasuke  _knows_. He knows that he doesn't like girls. He knows why he doesn't like girls. He even knows to some extent, that maybe, probably, there's a chance that the way he feels about Naruto is not always how he thinks that he maybe, probably should.

* * *

The journey there is more eventful than either of them had considered it would be; the terrain was completely unstable; there were huge steep inclines that came out of nowhere, unsafe roads, and far more bodies of water than they'd calculated with far fewer bridges. They set up camp later than they had hoped--- it had taken a while to find anywhere safe enough to set up their tent, and even longer to find enough acceptable firewood to last the evening, but they managed, and eventually they had a fairly decent camp site.

Naruto was at his element in places like these. It seemed as if he were made for this lifestyle; for small, hastily made campsites and consistent thrill and danger. As much as he'd complain sometimes, it was obvious it was for show. He loved every second of this. He loved the outdoors. He loved the comradery and exploration; travelling alongside people he cared about and making the world a better place.

He had his jacket strewn across the ground of their tent, already in the clothes he planned on sleeping in and leaning close to the fire, transfixed on the food he was cooking.

Sasuke on the other hand... His least favourite part of this had always been camping out. He didn't sleep well out in the open. He didn't like dirt. He didn't like not being able to properly shower. And he definitely didn't like the sleep schedule---it was incredibly difficult to get a restful sleep when you could only do it in two-hour spurts before being woken up. Luckily, that rule was less strict in cases like these--- if you're doing construction work, or on any kind of mission that's incredibly low level, it isn't as high risk, so as long as you set up some kind of protection around your camp, it's usually fine. And to be honest, when you're as skilled as the two of them are, it wasn't much of a risk to begin with.

"Hey, Sasuke?" Naruto spoke up, finally peeling his eyes from the food he was cooking them. "I, uh...I'm sorry."

Sasuke froze for a moment. He quickly collected himself, drawing a blank expression and glancing at the blond. "For?"

"Y'know, uh... Earlier, when I asked you that thing. I was just wondering, that's all. I didn't know it'd upset you. And it's.... fine, you know? Not to like girls. Not that you don't--- That isn't... I mean, it's fine not to like someone, y'know? And it...It doesn't make any difference to me."

Sasuke gritted his teeth.  _There it was again_. For fuck's sake.

_It doesn't make any difference to him._  He was trying to hold back his irritation. He was really, honestly trying, but he was angry. He was angry at Naruto that it  _didn't matter_. He was angry at himself at taking things so seriously. He was angry that it mattered to him. He was angry because of course, this kind of thing didn't matter to Naruto--- Naruto was going to be fine, regardless of what Sasuke did or didn't do or like. He was going to be happy, and healthy, and he'd have a beautiful wife and kids. Naruto was fine,  _of course_. It didn't matter to him.

It spiraled endlessly in his head and it just made him more pissed off-- the cycle continued over and over, and he was more mad with himself than his friend at this point. Naruto was _nice._  He was being nice.  _They were friends._  Why was he being so difficult?

In spite of himself, Sasuke opened his mouth to protest this, because  _of course,_  he liked girls (he didn't) and how could he assume that he didn't, or that if he didn't like girls that he would hide that (which he was) or that any of it mattered to him, either. (It did.)

But despite his efforts, he couldn't do it. He couldn't force himself to form the words  _I like girls_  any more than he could _I don't like girls._  Because it wasn't as if he even liked men. Not typically, anyway. Sasuke wasn't sure he was entirely... right. He thought that maybe there was something very, very off with him compared to everyone else.

Sometimes he thought he just didn't  _like_  people, that maybe he was incapable, or something. But then there was Naruto, and all the insistent little nagging thoughts he had about him, and he didn't think that was true anymore--- at least, not entirely, and how ridiculous was that? How stupid was he? How could he turn into this desperate, scared, clingy person? How could he fall in  _love_  with the  _one_  person he couldn't stand losing?

Confirming it was too much to deal with right now, and denying it was too deep of a pit to commit to, and admitting anything else was entirely inconceivable, so he didn't say anything. He just stared at the fire blankly.

Naruto let out a small sigh but didn't say anything else.

They didn't talk much for the rest of the night, which did poorly for Sasuke's mood, though he knew it was his fault. He isn't someone who's usually bothered by quiet, but he was so used to Naruto's constant stream of commentary that being without it seems... strange.

"Naruto," Sasuke nudged the blond, who was drifting off beside the campfire, his back rested against a very large rock that couldn't have been comfortable. "If you're going to sleep, you should do it in the tent."

His eyes fluttered open, and he grinned. "Sasuu~ke." He was clearly half-asleep and far too out of it to process what he'd just said, so he nudged him again.

"Come on, dobe." He prodded him, pulling the larger man upwards, who slumped against him tiredly. "Let's get you to sleep."

Naruto groaned a bit, but he complied, slowly sitting up.

"You comin' too, Sasu?"

He thought about it for a moment, worrying his lower lip. "I suppose I should."

Sasuke also didn't like this part. It was already difficult enough to sleep comfortably in a tent with only a thin layer of plastic separating you from the uncomfortable ground, but these were very small tents, and it was difficult to get a sound sleep with Naruto  _so close_. They were small for a reason, he knew, and it usually didn't matter that much--- ninjas were always incredibly professional, and there were rarely ever two people in one at the same time, anyway. They were used to this. It was their job.

He still didn't like it.

The two of them set up their campsite for nightfall; Sasuke doing so anxiously, Naruto, sluggishly. The two of them dropped into the tent, and Naruto quickly got comfortable; laying on his side with his jacket balled up under his head. Sasuke took longer. He sat awkwardly at the left side for a few moments, eventually settling on folding his own coat up behind his head, too, and just lying on his back. He couldn't even fathom sleeping right now. He was tired, sure, but he was also too awake, and too much had happened. Naruto's face is inches from him, one of his hands lightly brushing up against his hip.

He sighed and shifted to face Naruto. He almost instantly regretted it. He'd thought Naruto would be asleep by now --- that boy can sleep anywhere, and it'd been about five minutes, which is more than long enough--- but he wasn't.

Naruto was staring at him. His eyes were tired and lidded, and he looked like he was thinking, or like he wanted to say something, but he didn't. His heart fluttered and he stared back, praying his face was completely blank. "What are you looking at, dobe?" He finally uttered. Naruto blinked a few times like he was surprised Sasuke noticed, and then shrugged slightly.

"I guess I blanked out for a second." and then," You look cold, teme."

He hadn't really noticed the weather, much. It got significantly colder as it got later into the day, and the sun had almost completely set, now, so it shouldn't be a surprise. He didn't keep heat well, either, but they couldn't really bring any large blankets on the road with them, so he usually just dealt with it.

"C'mere," Naruto motioned, spreading his arms out for Sasuke to crawl into. Sasuke debated whether or not it was worth arguing. He  _was_  cold. And now that he'd noticed it, his brain wasn't going to let him forget it. It wasn't as if he was going to sleep, anyway. Would it look weirder if he didn't? They'd done this before, right? Why would he think anything of it if he did it again? But maybe he just kind of wanted to touch him, because he crawled into his arms without saying anything. Naruto sighed into his shoulder as if he was more at ease like this.

"Night, Sasuke." The blond whispered as he pulled Sasuke's blanket over and pulled it over the two of them.

"...Goodnight, dobe."

Both of them were asleep within the next five minutes.

* * *

The next day was decidedly better. They were both well rested, and neither of them mentioned the day before, and Naruto definitely didn't bring the subject up again. They packed their camp up in silence, and they were off just as the sun came up.

The thing is, Naruto didn't even know why he asked it. It just popped into his head, and then he couldn't stop himself. He really wished he wasn't so impulsive sometimes. It was probably kind of selfish, he guessed. Sasuke never really liked talking about that kind of thing--- not even when they were little, and all the other boys couldn't stop talking about it. But he was always curious.  _Everybody_  loved Sasuke. He couldn't wrap his head around the other boy's complete disinterest.

Back in the academy, it made him more jealous than anything. Why did Sasuke have so many things he desperately wanted, but he didn't care about it at all? And then he and Sasuke got closer and he realized that was just how he was. It was still weird, but it didn't make him angry anymore.

It didn't matter much either way when they grew up because Sasuke was gone. Naruto didn't really think about this kind of thing that much. He didn't even really think about girls as a concept, for that matter. His plans consisted of 1) _Sasuke._  2) Hokage. 3) Sakura? Everything else took a back-seat, and he'd still hear the other boys talking about this kind of thing---his friends, and people he'd meet briefly in the villages he'd travel to, but it didn't matter. Sometimes, there were even girls who'd ask him out, and Jiraiya would always be so disappointed, but Naruto didn't  _care._  There were more important things.

And then he saw Sasuke again. He wasn't back, yet. But he was so... so  _different_ , and also so...  _not_  different, and he froze. Sasuke leapt down, and he put his hand on his shoulder, and Naruto clammed up. He didn't know why. His heart just exploded.

He wanted to punch him, he wanted to hug him, he wanted to...  _something_. He wanted him so intensely in so many different ways in that moment. He can still remember how much his hands hurt---  _physically_   _hurt-_ \-- because they weren't touching him, and because he was right there, and he was his  _best friend,_  and then he was gone again. He'd failed again, and his throat had closed up, his heart was going a million miles an hour, and he felt like he was going to melt. He'd forgotten the extent of exactly how much he hated that they weren't together until that moment, and then it was all that he could think about, and it was the absolute  _worst._

Things were a bit different after that.

Now, he is back, and sometimes Naruto feels like the joy will consume him. He's back. He knew that a lot of people didn't understand -- and, maybe no one could ever _really_  understand-- why Sasuke was so important to him, but he was, and he couldn't even think about what it'd be like to live without him. Sometimes, those years melted away. Sometimes they didn't matter at all.

Naruto only recognizes that he's probably always loved Sasuke after they lose their arms. It sucks, and he's in so, so much pain. He's happy, though. He's so incredibly happy. They're laying on the ground together, and they're incapacitated, but all he wants to do is get closer.

Sasuke is crying, and Naruto loves him.

It hits him like a bag of bricks, like bad news, like amazing news--- it's all at once and it's  _overwhelming._  And then he was crying, too.

After that, he recognized it often; when they were quiet, taking a walk through the streets of Konoha at night and they fell into synchronized steps; when he would tell a joke and Sasuke couldn't help himself but laugh; when Sasuke had his morning coffee, pale hands clutched around a porcelain mug, his beautiful face completely at ease. It was almost constant after they moved in together; everything was so painfully domestic and perfect. It's so much more than he expected but so much less than he wants.

Sometimes he wondered if Sasuke even cared about him anymore. Even platonically --- he wondered if Sasuke felt anything of what he felt. He'd like to think he does, but... it's not really something he can ask about, which is probably why he asked the damn question in the first place. There's definitely some deep part of him that hopelessly wants any kind of hint that he might feel the same way. He knows his feelings aren't reciprocated, obviously, but a guy can hope, right? That should be harmless enough, he thinks. It isn't like he was about to actually  _tell_  Sasuke. Even he isn't that stupid. Even if he  _was_  okay with it, it'd just make things weird. He'd just gotten him back, after all.

Sakura had caught on much quicker than he would've. He had been talking about something funny that happened on a mission with Sasuke, and her eyes went wide, followed by a minute of silence and a  _'You're in love with him, right?'._

She told him she understood, and that she wished him the best, but that if they got married, she'd prefer a seat in the back, so she didn't have to be too close to him. He laughed awkwardly, but maybe longingly, too, at the idea, and jokingly agreed that she could have first say in seating arrangement if it ever did happen. She was one of the few people who couldn't forgive him, which he gets. They didn't have a great relationship ever since they'd tried to kill each other. He understands that it was part of her new strict self-care regimen, but he also feels incredibly sad that things won't ever be the same. Not that he'd ever tell her that.

"Ne, dobe." Sasuke called out after a while without talking. They stopped walking for a second. "Look." He pointed his chin. Naruto followed the path to... a tree stump?

"It looks exactly like your face." He deadpanned. Naruto examined it closer to find out it did, in fact, look... like a butt. Kind of strangely, actually, like nature had purposely, meticulously whittled it that way. Naruto started laughing thunderously.

"Hey, look everyone! Sasuke Uchiha learned to tell jokes. We got ourselves a comedian over here!"

"There isn't anyone here but us, usuratonkachi."

"True... That's such a pity! Your first joke and I'm the only one here to witness it."

"Hm." Sasuke shrugged, smiling lightly. "That's fine. I don't need an audience."

"So modest!" Naruto exclaimed dramatically, fanning himself and pretending to swoon. "What can't he do?" He flailed around a bit before slumping into Sasuke's arms, who held him up, looking down at him with a bemused look.

Naruto looked up and grinned. "Hi."

"Dobe." He shook his head. They were interrupted by Naruto's stomach growling.

"Ugh. Why am I so hungry?"

"You forced us out of the campground before we'd eaten, remember? I pointed out how you would inevitably regret that decision, but you said -- and I quote, " _evil would love it, Sasuke. Evil would love it if we ate right now._ You refused to elaborate and disregarded it when I insisted we weren't fighting any evil."

"Seriously? Sorry about that. I'm all fucked up when I wake up. So, uh...You wanna take a quick breakfast break?"

"You're aware breakfast typically comes at the beginning of the day, right, dobe?"

"I am aware. I'm just a super cool rebel, so I don't care." He insisted, sliding his bag off his shoulder. He scrounged around in his bag for a minute, grabbing a couple protein snacks and then closing his bag back up. Sasuke was standing awkwardly where he'd been before, shifting from one foot to the other unsure.

"Somethin' wrong?"

"No." He shot back quickly. "Nothing's--- No. I was... thinking. What do you think about gay people?"

Naruto felt like laughing. Or maybe crying? He didn't think he was gay, but he didn't think he wasn't gay, and he didn't know how Sasuke would feel about that. He's surprised it even came up, really.

"I mean, honestly?" He started. "I don't care. We just fought a war, y'know? It isn't something that ever really seemed worth worrying about, I guess. Ino and Sakura are cute together. I guess I don't understand what the problem is. Why?"

"I don't know. It's just been a topic going around a lot lately, and I was wondering if you'd changed your mind from when we were kids."

"Oh, right. I guess I was kind of a dick back then. I kind of did.... anything for people to like me, which included some not really great things... I mean, how do you feel about them?"

"I... don't think I care either." He said, and his voice was quiet, but Naruto heard him. He looked at him briefly after he said it, this quick glance where he looked both stoic and off-guard, and Naruto's heart fluttered in protest. It did that a lot.

The rest of the journey flew by, and they were there by nightfall, giving them just enough time to meet with the crew stationed there and set up camp. They slept holding each other again, and neither of them knew quite why, but neither of them thought too hard about it.

* * *

The next day, there wasn't much room for joking around or philosophical discussions about sexualities. They woke up around five am and they got to work right away. It was fairly surreal; Sasuke hadn't ever really considered being asked to do construction work as a child, since the work force was exponentially more diverse, then. But resources were low, and you had to take what you can get, so these guys got them.

Most of the people they were helping were actual construction workers, thankfully, so they could be sure at least someone there knew what they were doing. In the first hour of work, Sasuke had already slipped twice, gotten three splinters and almost shoved a nail through his own hand, which were al things he wasn't prone to doing.

Sasuke was good at a lot of things, but this definitely wasn't one of them. He felt completely out of his element, which much to his dismay, was definitely showing. Naruto seemed sympathetic, but there was nothing either of them could really do about it, so they kept on the best they could. The day went by in gruelling fashion, but eventually, the work day was done and they could rest.

Naruto had already befriended most of the workers, and Sasuke isn't sure exactly how he managed it since they'd only known each other a few hours.

It hadn't been easy or fun work, but it had been satisfying.

The next few days go by relatively uneventfully; Sasuke gradually gets a hang of what he's supposed to be doing, and Naruto had befriended the entire crew, so they had as much assistance as they needed. There were around six men and four women. All ten of them were very physically strong and wore the same uniform; with long hair pulled up into buns. They were definitely exponentially more capable than the two of them, but they were all gracious towards them for the help regardless.

"Ah, shit," Sasuke cursed under his breath. He'd somehow managed to get a fairly large gash across his face, which he hadn't noticed until the blood started dripping down off of his chin. Naruto, who was working on some pillars only a few feet away from him turned his attention towards him but he waved it off. The blond rolled his eyes, saying something idly to another worker before coming over.

"How'd you get that?" Naruto asked, taking Sasuke's face in his hands, who was now barely managing to keep his dignity.

"I don't know." He admitted. "I'm getting clumsy in my old age, perhaps."

"You ain't old, teme." He chuckled, still holding the elder boy's face and doing something that Sasuke assumes is inspecting the cut. Naruto wiped something --- blood--- off of his face and onto his shirt, a raggedy white tank top with the Academy's logo on it and Sasuke sputtered.

"Don't do that, usuratonkachi!" He all but squeaked in protest. "That's --- that's--- it isn't hygienic!"

Naruto laughed again, grabbing a nearby first aid kit.

"Neither is bleeding all over the place, teme." He countered, quirking his head as if he was studying him. Sasuke faltered and crossed his arms. Naruto laughed again, but quieter this time, and started to clean his friend's face. He was very focused, and his eyes were very blue, and most importantly, he was very  _close_. Sasuke could feel his composure draining away with the seconds.

"There," Naruto grinned, putting a bandage over the wound. "All better."

"Thanks." Sasuke grumbled. "I'm surprised you didn't kiss it better or something." He meant for it to sound a bit more scathing than it did, but Naruto didn't even register it as mocking. 

"Did you  _want_  me to kiss it better, Sasuke?" He asked, and his voice was too soft. He sounded too kind and too sincere, and he was still  _too close_. Sasuke scoffed, pushing him away and shaking his head fervently. His mind revolted, quickly filling with vivid imagery of kissing him--- of being kissed  _by_  him. He flailed helplessly.

"Don't be an idiot.  _Idiot_."

Naruto laughed it off, but he couldn't. He was beginning to notice a trend.

The rest of the day was as boring as ever; they were still bad at this, and Sasuke still overanalyzed everything, but for the most part, the two boys worked alongside each other in silence. The work day ends, and with the last bit of daylight the crew lights the campfire and starts cooking their dinner. They all sit haphazardly in their respective places around the campfire. A few girls cuddling, a couple guys are talking idly talking about something by one of their tents, and most everyone else is quietly cosying around the fire, dazed and hungry. Naruto and Sasuke are, of course, huddled together. One man, a stout man with a very large amount of scratches on his arms strikes up a conversation with Naruto that Sasuke was mostly not listening to.

"...you and your boyfriend should tag along sometime if you're interested."

The blond stiffened beside him, and Sasuke sat up straighter in response.

"Er, uh, d'ya mean Sasuke?"

"Sasuke! That's the name. I always forget. He doesn't talk much, huh?" His eyes glowed. He hadn't caught onto the awkward atmosphere he created, yet. "We've heard all about you guys. Kinda folk heroes, I suppose. Never thought we'd actually meet you, of course."

"What exactly did you hear?"

"Ah... I dunno. You fought together in the war, and you saved the world. And I mean, obviously, after that you got together. I didn't press for details, to be honest. It was kind of the less interesting part of it all, you know?"

"Oh.  _Oh._ " Naruto took a moment to process what he'd just heard, and his eyes went wide. His cheeks were bright red. "...Oh."

Sasuke didn't know what to say. He had to work with these people. He couldn't exactly say anything. He didn't even know him. How was he supposed to correct him? What did a normal person say in this situation? His heart was beating too fast to think properly.

"Me and Sasuke are best friends," Naruto chose his words very carefully, and Sasuke already knew all of this, but hearing it was annoying.

"We aren't dating or anything. I guess it's probably somethin' a lot of folks think now though, huh?" He said, and he chuckled awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck anxiously.

"Oh." The man looked embarrassed. "You... shit, sorry about that. I guess we were fed some weird intel?" He tried to shrug it off, but the awkwardness had permeated all three of them now.

"'S fine." Was Naruto's reply, and then the conversation was very quickly changed to something Sasuke tuned out. It didn't really concern him what it was considering he was busy being  _thoroughly_  mortified. He went to bed early that night, and Naruto wished him goodnight with a strange sort of look on his face that he didn't want to think about. He was still awake when Naruto came in around twenty minutes later.

He heard him plop down, sigh loudly and mutter "shit" under his breath, and he debated whether or not he should pretend to be sleeping for a moment before ultimately sitting up to acknowledge his friend.

"Still up?" The blond looked tired. "That was... something, earlier. I don't think that's ever happened with both of us there before." There was a small, hand-held lamp in the corner of the tent, and it was so bright and so yellow he couldn't quite tell, but he thinks Naruto was flushed.

"Does that happen to you a lot when I'm not there?"

Naruto shrugged. "I mean, not exactly. People just assume, or they ask something strange and I won't realize what they meant til like, hours after. It doesn't really matter to me one way or the other, though."

"You keep saying that." Sasuke snapped. He hadn't realized he'd spoken until it was too late. "You keep saying this stuff doesn't matter to you."

"Should it?"

"Yes!" He exclaimed. There was a tense moment of quiet as Sasuke just sat there, too frustrated to even speak, and Naruto just stared at him in bewilderment. He opened his mouth to speak again, but he couldn't conjure anything up, so he just muttered something about fresh air ---he couldn't remember exactly what, but he prayed it made sense--- and left.

He felt like a complete idiot. What was wrong with him? Was he losing his goddamn mind? He kept fucking things up for himself and he couldn't understand why. Why couldn't he control it? Just because he might  _maybe_  be gay? Why was this so hard for him?

Maybe it's his perpetual bad luck and inability to make good decisions or live a normal life. Or, because he knew that he maybe probably liked Naruto, and that Naruto would never feel the same. His feelings weren't even a  _possibility_ in his friend's mind, and that made things so easy, but so, so hard. He shouldn't feel this way, and he knew that; he should feel what all the other men his age feel but he just  _doesn't._

He knew it all along, really, but it was dawning on him that he wasn't capable of ever leading the kind of life he'd be happy in.

Once he was far enough away from camp, he lost it. He couldn't vent with ninjutsu, he couldn't vent with words, or noise, or physical movement--- all he could do was collapse onto the ground in a miserable heap.

By the time he came back to the tent, Naruto was long asleep, or at the very least pretending to be. He didn't look the gift horse in the mouth. He lay down, but despite being so incredibly tired he didn't fall asleep for a while.

The next morning wasn't pleasant. Naruto was already awake and socializing by the time he got up, but he felt less rested than ever. He dreaded the prospect of having to actually do anything today.

He left the tent reluctantly and stood on the sidelines. He would have to be acknowledged at sometime, but first he had a small opportunity to prepare himself. Naruto noticed he was awake and, confusingly enough smiled at him like the other day had completely slipped past his mind. He had figured he'd have at least been a little pissed that Sasuke had acted so immaturely, but maybe not?

His friend trudged over, and closer up Sasuke realized he looked a bit worse for the wear, too. So at least I'm not completely insane... Though the jury is still out.

"Hey," He greeted. Sasuke nodded in response, and the blond continued. "Listen... I know it's been rough these last few days. I just... you don't need to talk to me if you don't want to, y'know? If I get to be too much..."

The Uchiha startled. He was still tired, and he was sure he was drifting in and out of reality at this point but he couldn't... He couldn't let Naruto apologize to him. "I... look, it isn't you, alright?" He interrupted. Naruto halted. "It's just a rough week, okay? Don't take it personally. It doesn't have anything to do with you."

"Oh." The younger boy flushed and scratched at his neck a bit. It had mostly been a lie, but Naruto seemed to calm down almost instantly. Sasuke, despite everything, felt the tension melt away from him, too.

All he could think was he maybe, probably loved him, and that maybe... he was even starting to be okay with that.

* * *

The next few days were...kind. You never know what to expect out here--- not really. But everything went smoothly. Sasuke felt better, so Naruto did, too. They were the kinds of soft days where there is laughter, and joking, and light gentle touches. They were the kinds of days that you got to rest, you got to sit and watch the sun fall and listen to the world around you with patience. They huddled close at night, and for a split second every morning, Sasuke felt completely at peace.

The construction crew gave them looks, now, but neither of them paid it much mind. Sasuke even smiled a few times.

They're both exhausted, dirty and sweaty, but they're done for the day and that's what matters. Their bones ache, but it's in a good way, and they collapse in their tent with a satisfied ache.

It's earlier than it usually is when they retire for the night; despite the day of hard labour their minds refuse to quiet down.

They're both crammed into the tight space of their tent, and it's somehow too cold and too hot at the same time. Neither of them can seem to get comfortable; there are limbs outstretched into every corner of the tent trying to keep their boundaries. Parts of their bodies were stuck together with sweat, whereas others had goosebumps from the frosty air of their tent.

Suddenly, Naruto sighs and pulls Sasuke to him. He looks focused, and he manoeuvres them so they're facing each other on their sides and finally, finally they relax. Realizing how close they are, Naruto bursts into a shit-eating grin, staring directly at Sasuke. Sasuke wants to turn away out of habit, but he can't, so he manages the stoniest look he can.

Naruto isn't phased by this. He's more than used to this look, and he knows it doesn't really mean anything. He does it because it's comfortable to act like he's even remotely pushing Naruto away. Everything just feels so strange and out of focus, sometimes. He'll occasionally realize he's living a life he purposely set on fire, or that he's living with the boy he purposely did everything he could to forget, and it's overwhelming.

It isn't like he ever had a chance, though. Naruto is hard to forget.

Naruto's arms were tucked around him firmly, and his friend had always been very touchy feely, but he'd apparently misremembered the extent.

He leaned into the touch.

Naruto wasn't tired yet, so he just hugged his friend close and spoke in a low voice about things he'd missed when he was gone. He did this, sometimes. They never really talked about it in detail, or even how Naruto felt. They were just bedtime stories.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"...Talk about what?" He stopped. Sasuke swore he could feel Naruto's heartbeat through his clothes and suddenly felt self-conscious about his own.

"Those... years." He offered.

Naruto hesitated. "...Really?" Sasuke nodded, and the blond mulled it over quietly for a moment before shaking his head.

"Maybe some other time."  He decided. Sasuke didn't press it. He figured it was too much hurt for him to dredge up in one evening. He didn't blame him for it. There was a reason it had gone unspoken about. These were volatile days; there were some parts he's sure neither of them would ever feel comfortable addressing. It was faint, but Sasuke could swore he saw a faint blush on Naruto's cheeks. They were quiet for a few long minutes.

"Hey, Sasuke?"

He hummed in acknowledgement. His friend paused, and then he smiled. His eyes were still so bright in the dimming light of the tent. He repositioned himself slightly so he could look at his friend.

"I'ts just... Did you... did you miss us when you were gone?"

Sasuke's heart skipped a beat. They had made it a point not to talk about this, about Sasuke's feelings, or why he did it, or what happened to him while he was gone. It was an unspoken rule, and Naruto had just opened the floodgates. He felt his throat close up.  _Why would he ask him something like that? How could he ask him something like that?_

"Naruto..." He whispered, and he meant to sound firm, but his voice caught in his throat on the way out.

"It's fine if you didn't." He shrugs, and they're interlaced so tightly Sasuke feels it in his whole body. "I was just wondering cause...I missed you a lot, teme." His voice was casual; his tone would be better suited for inquiring about the weather than it was confessing something like this. "All the time. And... it's stupid now, but I used to wonder if you even thought about us at all."

_I missed you a lot, teme._

He couldn't say anything in reply. While Sasuke traveled with Orochimaru, so much of his time was dedicated to hiding these kinds of impulses. Anything human, any desire or _want_  of any kind was labelled as an unnecessary distraction, and subsequently, forbidden.

He wasn't allowed to think of Naruto, or of Konoha at all for a long, long time. Now that he's far from where he was---he can admit that he had still thought of him much too often. The only happy memories he had had were of him, on stupid missions a thousand years ago, and it was hard to lose that even after he'd made his choice. Him laughing, him making a fool of himself--- his courage and the way he was so absolute and put every ounce of himself into everything he did. Losing those memories of Naruto, losing him in general--- it felt like losing a part of himself. The part of him that ever felt happy.

He got better at it, though, and eventually he only thought of him every so often.

"When I woke up that time... I realized I'd failed you immediately. It was probably some of the worst pain I'd ever felt. Maybe it's selfish, but I never want to feel that way again. I don't... I don't ever want you to leave me again, Sasuke."

Sasuke wants to say something. He wants to say anything to end the silence and the tension that had built around them. He wanted to do anything to distract himself from how he could feel the air get thick around them, and how his entire body was tangled with his, but he couldn't. He couldn't say anything. He can't even peel his eyes away from Naruto's face. His hair looks so soft, and it's hard to think clearly because Naruto is staring right back at him. There's this look on his face he can't figure out. His eyes dart to his lips, briefly, and he hopes his friend hadn't noticed.

Their foreheads are pressed together, and Sasuke can feel a few strands of his hair brush against his cheek. He still hasn't broken eye contact. He looks, if anything, more determined than anything, and he adjusts his hold on Sasuke, his hand gently cradling his hip and tracing discreet patterns on the skin there. It's so quiet it's deafening. He can hear his heartbeat in his ears; an insistent thrum reminding him that they were impossibly  _too close_  for this to be safe anymore.

"Naruto..." He gasps, and it comes out more like a plea than anything. Naruto's eyes darken a bit, and his eyes fall to his lips again. Sasuke wants to run, or push him away, or do something--- anything, because this was dangerous territory. This was too intimate. They couldn't do this. His lips felt like they were burning, and he could feel every inch of Naruto against every inch of himself and it was too much. His face is right there, and everything in him is broken.

 

 

And then he's  _kissing_  Naruto.

His whole body feels like it's being electrified, like every atom in his body is inexplicably buzzing. Time is off, he knows that for sure; it's slow and it's fast at the same time, and he doesn't know what he's doing anymore. He keeps trying to convince himself to stop, that it's only been a few seconds and he could still stop himself from doing this, that maybe it could still all be okay, because Naruto is  _nothing_  if not forgiving--- but he can't pull himself away. For a moment, he's  too concerned with exactly how much he fucked up to even enjoy what's happening. 

He finally manages to pry himself away for a second, and Naruto's staring at him dumbstruck.

He instantly panics. His eyes widen, and he tries to sit up but he's still wrapped up in Naruto. He feels too hot to function, which seems fair as he realizes he'd ruined everything in the spanse of five seconds, which had to be a record, even for him.

"I--uh, Naruto--," He stumbles, and his words aren't working anymore, so he can't say anything he means to say, like  _'I'm sorry._ ' or  _'Please don't hate me,'_  so he just lies there, his mouth still trying fruitlessly for the right words.

"I'm-- I'm sorry, just  _please_ \--,"

His apology seems to wake him up, because Naruto finally comes to---

And then he kisses him. He cups his face gently, but it quickly devolves as he gets more eager, and then his hands are everywhere. They're grasping at each other senselessly; neither of them are really thinking; they're tugging and pulling and trying to get closer when it isn't physically possible, and then they pull away for a split second and Naruto's  _crying_. He's cradling Sasuke, then, and murmuring things against his skin.

"You  _idiot,_ " he whispers, and then he's peppering kisses on Sasuke's skin. He feels himself turn red, but he doesn't care--- he's too swept up in Naruto's embrace, and as far as he knows this could end any moment. He could wake up from this elaborate reverie and find himself just as hopeless as he'd been before.

Naruto grabs his face again, but this time, before he kisses him, he whispers " _Never leave me._ " against his lips. He can barely process it before he's being kissed again, and all rational thought leaves his mind and is replaced with a constant crooning of  _Naruto, Naruto, Naruto._

They fall asleep at some point, their exhaustion catching up to them at last. They're still completely entangled with each other when it happens; curled up around each other in a position that couldn't possibly be comfortable, but it's the best sleep either of them has ever had.

Before he fell asleep that night, Sasuke remembers thinking that maybe,  _probably_ \----things are going to be alright.

 

**Author's Note:**

> yo whats up my name is isaiah and i love three things:  
> cliche gay fanfic, italics, and suffering
> 
> ik this is bad & cheesy but pls comment if u liked it?? i wanted to write a fic a) about naruto and sasuke being gay boyfs & b) about that weird paradoxical time when you're lgbt+ where you both Know and Don't Know & Accept it & Refuse To Acknowledge it  
> that weird........... way you know the truth but not on a level you're able to address? anyways, it's trippy and hard to explain. 
> 
> alsoooo i'm working on a drarry rn and it's........... Already over 7,000 words. i'm also working on rewriting my old narusasu and wolfstar fics but those are super duper deffo taking a backseat to everythin else
> 
> update:  
> i removed this fic from fanfiction.net (i got a shitty comment from a homophobe & i just hate that site)  
> also: don't correct my grammar thnx, i don't believe in strict grammar tbh. i think it takes all the fun outta writing & makes it pretty unrealistic.


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